I litterally feel dead inside, kind of feel like im walking around with no soul or spirit.?

I have no physical or mental energy. People always telling me to put some pep in my but I cant help or control it. Its like I never have energy for anything anymore. I also have problems socializing. For an example five people can be in a deep conversation. I cant join in on the conversation because I dont have any comments or words like my mind is completely blank. I still try to socialize but my words never come out right. I often hear the question, why you so quiet. My only reply is I dont know im just chilling. When I do talk I im always hearing that I have such a blank look on my face like I have no expressions at all or sometimes just look lost even if im not. I cant date because im too quiet and boring. Sometime I dont care about life and feel like its worthless for certain people including me of course. Ive been suacidal and homacidal, ive acted on both two times but was unsuccessful, that was a couple of years ago. I never seeked help, but I still feel homicidal at times when I get mad at someone. I can keep going on and on and on. It seems like sometimes I have this big dark cloud hovering over me bringing me nothing but bad luck. I have no freinds and no mate. I feel worthless. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I cant figure out how to change this. I admit I need help, but I feel like if I go seek help all thats going to happen is I will be put on meds that would probly make me worse. What do you think I should do.