why do i have these feelings?

i get this feeling that i want people dead. when my cousin got in a car wreck who is 8 and they said her brain was bleeding i kinda liked it. now i didn't really like it it's just the feeling i got. i love my cousin to death. when they said she could die i kinda liked it and liked drama. i don't like it btw it's just the feelings i get and it upsets me. i don't want to go to a mental hospital =( i miss my family. i'm just 13. i want this to stop. i don't want to tell people this because i'm scared. i told my sister a year ago that i was interested into rape, people beating up little kids, and everything like that. i want to be better i don't want any medicine tho. what kind of mental disorder do i have. please help me. i want to live. i don't want to kill anyone. i'm afraid i'll go crazy and kill someone. also i talk to things like i pretend to have imaginary friends. that's because i'm lonely tho and have been doing this since i was 5. what is wrong with me. i have social anxiety and bipolar and depression,and other things. what is wrong with me?