How can I stop cutting?

So, basically I am either starving or bleeding. I didn't eat for four days this week, and I lost a little weight, which was good. But then I splurged. I've been splurging for about 30 hours straight. I feel sickly full and I've gained all the weight back, I'm sure. I have purged a couple times but almost nothing came out. My weight and more so my appearance is disgusting. I am not underweight. I don't think anyone knows I still struggle with all of these things, but here I am making it public. I can't hold it in much longer, and I need help. After having about 4100 calories in the past 30 hours I feel I am a failure, and I need to punish myself. I can not be good enough. I need to be fixed but feel beyond repair; and look disgusting. I don't have enough control to not eat tomorrow as well, but I will at least try. If I don't make it, I know I will self harm. I don't want help with my eating problem, just with my self harm problem. Does anyone have some advice? Thank you, lovies.