Please help!!! Feel so down?

Last year I took 2 months off work as I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the stress of the job was getting to me (I'm a chef for a big hotel). I went back on altered hours last September but this September I had a relapse and was battling another depressive episode. I'm due to go back in 2 days. I don't feel ready, I don't want to work there anymore, but I have no choice as my company sick pay has ran out. I've been looking for other jobs but have to go back to work as it won't look good to potential new employers. What do I do. I'm anxious, scared, depressed...when I look at the outside world it feels like I'm off to prison and watching people enjoy their lives. I'd love a job where I work 9-5 and don't have so much stress. I just don't know what do anymore and I'm worried ill end up feeling suicidal again.